I Want You So Much, but I Hate Your Guts
by skippu
Summary: Tells the story of how Quinn Fabray deals with the possibility that's she's fallen for one Rachel Berry, and the possibility that Rachel might not love her back. Faberry.
1. Colpo di Fulmine

_"'Colpo di fulmine'; the thunderbolt, as Italians call it. _

_When love strikes someone like lightning, so powerful and intense it can't be denied. _

_It's beautiful and messy, cracking a chest open and spilling their soul out for the world to see. _

_It turns a person inside out, and there's no going back from it. _

_Once the thunderbolt hits, your life is irrevocably changed." _- J.M Darhower

* * *

><p>The first time Quinn Fabray laid eyes on Rachel Berry wasn't at school, or at the supermarket, or at the bowling alley; no, it was on the <em>internet<em>.

Myspace, to be specific.

It was a Thursday afternoon (Quinn can remember it like it was yesterday) and Santana had gotten a laptop for Christmas that year.

Quinn, Brittany and Santana were the best of friends by that point. They all met through cheerleading, and the three of them were set on being at the top of the social ladder through whatever means possible.

They knew high school was a cut throat environment. Do or die. Be someone or be no one. It was as simple as that.

So the three girls knew what they wanted from the beginning; the best. The best of everything, and they'd be damned if they didn't get it.

It didn't take Quinn very long to realize that she would have to eventually _fight_ Santana for that top spot. There can be only one HBIC.

Still with that knowledge, the two still played the role of 'besties'. Inviting each other to the mall, texts throughout the day, planning what football player would be their boyfriends. Naturally, Quinn picked the quarterback, and Santana didn't mind, _at all_. She seemed to have something against Finn Hudson. Instead, she opted with the resident 'bad boy' of the school. That was definitely more her style.

In all honesty, it was just like a big game of chess. Always trying to stay two steps ahead of whomever it was that was going after your King. Sure, the Queen was the most important piece, but you were three times more likely to lose the game without your King. Both girls knew that, so they latched onto a boy as soon as they could. They needed their feet planted firmly on the top of that ladder.

Brittany didn't seem to really care about it as much as they did. She enjoyed being popular, simply because of all the friends she made. She wasn't interested in the planning of it, just the fun.

Less competition, Quinn thought.

Quinn had finished doing her laps for the day. She talked back to Coach, about what, she couldn't remember, but sass normally meant about three hundred laps on the tracks for the remainder of practice. For whatever reason, though, Coach Sylvester decided to be generous that day and only give her one-fifty.

She made her way to the bleachers for a quick rest before Coach would have her on the top of the pyramid again. She was out of breath and sweaty, and she honestly just couldn't wait to shower and sleep.

Quinn liked the perks that came with cheerleading; popular, and she was obviously in a position of power, but she didn't entirely like the s_port_ itself. She liked being tired by the end of the day, she liked the work out, but the actual _cheerleading;_ no, she wasn't exactly a fan. However, _not_ cheerleading was out of the question since the day she was born.

Her mother had always told her stories of how she always wanted to be a cheerleader during high school, but never quite got around to it. She always says it's the one thing she regrets in her life. It had been put in her head, from a very young age, that she would be a cheerleader, and that her mother would be proud.

And if there was anything that Quinn wanted, _actually_ wanted, making her parents proud was certainly towards the top of her list.

Santana had brought her laptop in every day since she got it, so Quinn took the opportunity to check the front page of for anything she hadn't read yet.

She was greeted with Santana's old myspace page when she opened it. Everyone made a myspace when it got popular, but much like herself and Santana, they got bored of it after a while.

She scrolled through Santana's page, and found a comment Brittany made; _'she sings really good tho'_

Quinn wasn't exactly one to be nosy, but… _who sings really good?_

By now, it wasn't a secret to the other girls that Quinn enjoyed singing. She liked music above all else, well, maybe not above _all_ else (books always held a special place in her heart) but she truly did enjoy singing. She did it whenever she could, really. In the shower, while cleaning; it was just _fun_.

Quinn clicked on Brittany's profile, and scrolled down to read her comments: _'Who cares? Berry is a freak. Don't talk to her, Britts.' _And another one: _'take her off your page'._

Quinn scrolled down some more and there it was, titled _'Rachel Berry sings 'Good Morning Baltimore'_

She bit her bottom lip, before she pressed 'play'.

"_Oh, oh, oh  
>Woke up today<br>Feeling the way I always do  
>Oh, oh, oh<br>Hungry for something  
>That I can't eat<br>Then I hear that beat  
>The rhythm of town<br>starts calling me down…"_

Quinn felt a jolt in her stomach.

Quinn couldn't remember if she had seen this girl in school before. No, no she definitely hadn't.

She wore a long sleeved button up shirt, and a short plaid skirt, and she sounded so beautiful. So _heart achingly _beautiful. Quinn's stomach kept doing flips, the more she watched. Something shot through her, her body tensed, she felt frozen; mesmerized. She watched how the girl's eyes closed, eyelashes fluttering, as she put more of herself into the song. She watched how her hands slightly rose whenever she would hit a high note, or how her lips would purse in between words, or how the girl would squint her already closed eyes, completely losing herself in the moment.

Quinn felt connected to her somehow. How could she not? This girl was practically _pouring_ herself into ever word.

Then, the girl opened her eyes, and stared right into the camera. Quinn wasn't prepared for that. She wasn't prepared for those eyes.

Suddenly, Quinn felt sick.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Quinn tripped up on the keyboard, scrambling to turn the video off.

"Whoa, calm down. It's not like I just caught you watching porn. Or…" Santana smirked. "Did I?"

"Shut it, Lopez."

"So, what the hell were you doing?"

"Ch-checking something."

"Checking _what?"_

"Seeing this Berry girl." Quinn admitted. "Brittany doesn't really want to associate herself with _man-hands_ here, does she?" Man-hands. It was easier to pick apart someone's image than to admit she actually thought the girl was rather pretty. Maybe not conventionally, but Quinn… liked the way she looked.

_God_, what was she _thinking? _

_Snap out of it._

Santana laughed. "Of course not. We'd rather be caught dead than be seen with that _freak._" Santana looked back to the field. "Well, are you coming or not? Coach said you're on."

Quinn nodded, and closed the laptop. The uncomfortable feeling in her stomach still lingered, as she ran out into the field.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This story will actually be speaking from Quinn's POV about 97% of the time. It chronically accounts all the interactions the two girls have had throughout the show (and, of course, some things we _didn't_ get to see). **


	2. The Next Three

_**The Second Time.**_

This was not happening. Not in a million years, not in a billion years, hell, not even in another _dimension. _Her boyfriend would not be joining glee club. It was like he was volunteering to be hanged, or signing his own death certificate. What was he even thinking? Oh, that's right! He _wasn't_.

He _never_ was.

Quinn saw him stuffing things into his book bag down the hall and rushed over to him. How _dare_ he think that he could just- oh great. Oh, that's just wonderful. Quinn had forgotten _RuPaul_ shared a locker next to his.

Rachel Berry was getting more and more annoying with every minute that passed. It was like she was always just _there_, every time Quinn turned around. And so was that horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She hated it.

"Finn!"

Finn turned to face her with a goofy grin. "Hey."

"Don't 'hey' me. I heard, okay?"

His smile quickly disappeared. "Quinn, I-"

"We are in line to becoming the most popular kids in this school for the next couple years." Quinn was in full-on assault mode. Finn tried to get a word in edgewise with little 'no's' and 'wait a second's' but failed. "Prom king and queen." She continued. "Homecoming court royalty. I am _not_ giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself!"

"You're makin' too big a deal outta this!" He finally spoke up.

Compromise, Quinn thought. That's all. She needed to compromise. Regain her cool and compromise.

"Okay," She began, softening her tone. "Let's compromise." She smiled up at him.

He stopped pulling books out of his locker to face her. She had his attention.

But then he snuck a glance at Rachel.

That was _it. _

"If you quit the glee club," She lowered her voice. "I'll let you touch my breasts."

That was easy enough, Quinn thought. He would never turn down _that_ opportunity. He'd been trying to do it ever since they got together.

He looked contemplative. "… under the shirt?"

"Over the bra." Quinn corrected.

He took a moment.

She had won, she was sure.

"Naw,- nah, I- I can't. I wanna do glee."

Quinn shook her head, incredulous. He _couldn't_ be serious.

"I'm really happy when I'm performing-"

"People think you're gay, now, Finn." Quinn said, doing her best not to yell at him for being so _stupid_. She wasn't going to win like that. He took a quick glance around to see if anyone had heard her say that. "And you know what that makes me?" She continued. "Your. Big. GAY. BEARD."

"Look, I-I-I gotta go to class, okay?" He slung his book bag over his shoulder. "Just relax." He shut his locker. "Everything's gonna work out."

She watched him pass by Rachel who was already staring at him- and she had just _had enough._

"Eavesdrop much?" She yelled to her.

Startled, Rachel faced her, but quickly turned away. Quinn stepped to her, while Rachel closed her locker.

"Time for some girl talk, _man-hands._ You can dance with him, you can sing with him, but you will _never_ have him."

Rachel gave a sympathetic smile. _God_, Quinn hated her so much. So. Much.

"I understand why you'd be threatened;" Rachel began. "Finn and I have made a connection, but I'm an honorable person," Quinn took a moment to look away because for some horrible reason, the more she looked at her, the more that _feeling_ in her stomach grew. "And I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own." She backed away, with a shrug. "Everyday glee status is going up and yours is going down." She was smiling now. "Deal with it."

Rachel turned to be greeted with a full slushie-facial. Twice.

Quinn couldn't help but laugh.

_That's what she gets._

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Third Time.<strong>_

She tried to busy herself as much as possible. She spent extra time working on cheer routines, and asked Coach Sylvester if she needed any help with anything. She had to keep her mind of it for the most part. She wasn't pretending like it wasn't going to happen, she was just stalling the time before she'd have to fully acknowledge it.

She didn't know how she felt. Part of her was angry, yes. She was so unbelievably frustrated with herself that she could ever do something like this. And she was more than embarrassed. But the anger and the humiliation stemmed from how terrified she was. She was just scared. Really, really scared.

So, naturally, she distanced herself from others. She stopped going to glee to get time away from Finn and Puck… and _Rachel_.

She had to admit it at this point. She was avoiding Rachel. She was avoiding Rachel because she couldn't stand being around her. She couldn't stand _her_.

And she didn't know _why._

It wasn't enough anymore; hating Rachel wasn't enough. The insults, the slushies, it wasn't _enough_. It wasn't making her feel better anymore. It wasn't helping.

Quinn didn't know what to do.

But she didn't want to think about that. She didn't want to think about anything. She wished she could just shut her brain off.

The bell rang, as she reached her locker. Most of the time she tried to think about trivial things; counting the steps she'd taken, trying to match them up every day, what they were giving on television tonight, what she'd be doing for the weekend, what books she should take out next from the library; little things. Little things to keep her mind busy, to keep her thoughts from wandering.

She opened her locker and grabbed her binder. She had Government next, a class she wasn't particularly fond of. She would force herself to pay attention, if only to get away from her brain for a while.

"I haven't seen you at glee rehearsals." Came a soft voice.

Quinn's head snapped around. She sighed, annoyed. "I'm not superwoman. I know glee is your _whole life_, but I have the cheerios," Rachel looked hurt, so Quinn focused her attention back on her locker, picking out her notebook while she continued, "I'm on honor roll, I have friends."

And that was that. Quinn tried to walk in the opposite direction of Rachel, but the shorter girl was never one to leave well enough alone.

"You don't have to be embarrassed."

Keep walking, Fabray, Quinn told herself. _Don't listen to her. You're done. Keep walking._

"No one at glee is going to judge you." Rachel said, and Quinn stopped in her tracks. Why did Rachel Berry have to be so _nice_?

Quinn reluctantly turned around, and Rachel took that as a sign to close the gap between them.

"Look, I know everyone expects us to be enemies and be in competition, but," Rachel shook her head, slightly. "I don't hate you."

_What? Why not?_

"Why not?" Quinn said. "I've been awful to you."

"That was before you knew what it felt like to be me:" Rachel said, eyes softening. "an outsider."

Quinn couldn't stand her. _She has to stop looking at me like that_.

Someone walked by them, and Quinn glanced at them, quickly. She didn't want to have this conversation anymore. She didn't want to talk to Rachel about this. She didn't want to talk to Rachel, at all, for the rest of her life.

"People are going to start finding out about this and you're gonna need friends who can relate." Rachel pried.

_Relate?_

"How can you relate to what I'm going through?" The nerve of her, Quinn thought.

The look on Rachel's face showed that she thought the same. "You don't think that people whisper about me in the lunchrooms? Or," She took a breath. "draw pornographic pictures of me on the bathroom walls?"

_Oh, er… shit._

"That was me… actually." Quinn admitted. It became somewhat of a daily routine, actually. Whenever she was alone in there, she would just doodle, mindlessly. They almost always ended up being lewd drawings of Rachel.

Quinn wouldn't admit _that_, though.

Rachel eyes drifted off to Quinn's side as if she was thinking, before nodding. "Look," She said, gathering herself again. "I don't agree with the choice your making but you're gonna need glee. I-I- you-you have seven months of your youth left. You should enjoy it, and let's face it, in a couple of months that cheerleading uniform," Rachel glanced down at just that. "isn't going to fit, and we're gonna be all you have left."

Quinn looked away again. What was wrong with her? Why couldn't she look at Berry for more than a few minutes?

"Just," Rachel said. "Come back to practice." She gave a small reassuring smile, and nodded, as though she wanted Quinn to nod along with her. "Boys versus girls; it's fun, and we can certainly use your voice right now and you're actually a good singer, Quinn."

Quinn looked away. Again.

"Occasionally sharp," Rachel added. "But that's just because you lack my years of training."

Quinn couldn't take it, she honestly couldn't. How could she be so nice to her when all she'd ever done was insult her? This wasn't the way things worked.

Quinn didn't know what to say. Here was the girl she'd just be completely terrible to, practically doing all she could to convince her to come back to glee club, and what for? She wasn't _that_ good at singing, certainly not as good as her, and they didn't really need her, but Rachel made it sound like they did.

"I… would have tortured you if the roles were reversed, you know." Quinn said, because it was the truth. She would have had a field day.

Rachel nodded. "I know." She looked into Quinn's eyes and smiled, softly, before lowering her head. She slowly took a few steps beside Quinn, and hugged her binder close to her chest, smiling, as she walked away, head held high.

Quinn told herself not to turn around, she looked down at the ground, repeating it to herself: _don't turn around, don't turn around, don't watch her go…_

But it didn't matter.

Quinn turned and watched her disappear down the hallway. She could feel the familiar feeling in her stomach crawl its way up to her chest.

* * *

><p><em><strong>The One Time Rachel Wasn't Even There.<strong>_

She'd had enough of _everything._ She couldn't stand this school, she couldn't stand the people in it, and she _definitely _couldn't stand _Finn_.

"You are so INSENSITIVE." She said, storming down the hallway. "Bringing up baby names when you know that I don't want to keep _it!_"

Finn did his best to keep up with her, dodging people left and right.

"I _can't_ keep it." She said.

"I-I know, but I don't get what you expect me to do about it-"

"Not have an opinion?" Quinn interrupted.

"Hey! This is happening to me, too!"

"No, it's not!" Quinn snapped. They finally reached her locker and she spun around. "You're not the one," She lowered her voice. She was on the verge of tears, that much was clear. "who's parents will burn her like a _witch_ if they find out."

Quinn opened her locker, expecting Finn to just walk away. She was already crying. She'd have to deal with him some other time because she just _couldn't_ right now. She wanted to be left alone.

Instead, he spoke, "You know, sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel."

Again, now, just at the very _mention_ of her name, Quinn's stomach did flips. She slowly turned on her side to look up at him.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Finn nodded, confidently. "She cares about my feelings, she sticks up for me; she sticks up for _both_ of us," He leaned in, and whispered, "You know she gave that Jacob kid a pair of her underpants to keep him from posting on his blog about you being pregnant?"

Quinn took a deep breath to gather herself, and calmly put her things into her locker. She knew what was happening. She wasn't stupid.

Finn liked Rachel. Rachel liked Finn.

"You think she did that for _me_? Just to be a good _teammate?_" She almost spat the word.

"Yeah, that's what she told me."

Quinn really couldn't believe how stupid he was sometimes.

Most of the time.

All of the time.

"I know that some guys cheat on their wives or pregnant girlfriends," Quinn said. "Just don't do it with _her._" Quinn slammed her locker shut and sped down the hallway.

_Anyone but her…_


	3. Voice

"_There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long;_

_I feel that this is right for me._

_I know that this is wrong._

_No teacher, preacher, parent friend or wise man can decide_

_What's right for you-_

_just listen to _

_the voice that speaks inside." – _Shel Silverstein.

* * *

><p><em><strong>The First Time Quinn Lost Control, and Ruined Everything.<strong>_

Quinn let her fingers move across the keys. She was playing a minor- or was it a major scale? She couldn't remember. It had been a long time since she had been to a piano class. It would be nice to get back into that again; to have somewhere to focus herself, but she already had a billion things on her plate.

She heard the echoing '_click-clack, click-clack'_ of a certain Rachel Berry's (no doubt hideous looking) shoes as she approached.

Quinn didn't even look up. "You're late."

"We're friends, right?" Rachel asked, abruptly.

Quinn had no idea where that came from. She looked up at her, then. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I mean, like- everything happened last year… you gave your baby to my mom- we kind of bonded over it, right?"

There were a lot of things happening right now that Quinn didn't like. She didn't like being reminded of Beth. She definitely didn't like Rachel bringing her up. She didn't like where this was going.

At all.

"What's your point?"

"My point is that…" Rachel's eyes darted, nervously. "I know we haven't spent a lot of time together this year but… I thought that we were close enough to be honest with each other."

Quinn knew. She thought, maybe, that this was actually about _them_, but it never was with her. This was about Finn. It was always about Finn.

"Go ahead. Ask me."

"Fine." Rachel said, before Quinn could finish. "Are you and Finn together?"

"Yes." Quinn admitted, quickly. "It's been a couple of weeks." Quinn shook her head. "It's like groundhogs day with you, Rachel. How many times do you have to make the same mistake to realize it's not gonna work out?"

And that was what Quinn _honestly_ felt. There was a reason why Finn and Rachel broke up. There was a reason why Finn didn't want to be with her anymore. There was a reason, but it didn't look like Rachel could see that reason.

Quinn wasn't talking about Finn, anymore. She was completely focused on Rachel, how _blind_ Rachel was being. How Rachel could possibly be throwing everything away by still being obsessed with that idiot.

Rachel stared down at her feet. "Well, thank you for being honest with me, Quinn- and- and I'm happy for you and Finn, but don't," She looked up at her. "try to rewrite history, okay? It was real between us. He chose _me_ over _you._"

"And how long did that last for?"

She snapped, she didn't mean to, but she snapped. The claws were out now, it was the only defense she had.

Rachel was trying to wear down her defenses, that much was clear. All the walls she's built over the past year; every single one of them designed to keep Rachel Berry out of her head, and more importantly, her heart. Every time they would get close, Quinn had to find a way to step back, and regroup. This time around, it was easy enough. Get back with Finn; kill two birds with one stone. She got to keep him away from Rachel, all the while getting a good shot at Prom Queen, and of course, all the perks of being one of the most popular boys in school's girlfriend.

Rachel furrowed her brows and shook her head. "Why are you being so mean?"

Mean? Quinn thought. Sure, she had replied sharply, but she wasn't being _mean_. She was just telling the truth. Finn didn't know what he wanted, he never knows. Whatever happened between them might have been real, but Finn made his decision in the end. Rachel was clinging onto something that would only bring her down. That was all.

Quinn stood, dragging her hand across the piano's surface as she closed the gap between them. Rachel looked away, and crossed her arms, defensively, against her chest.

But maybe 'mean' was the only way to get through to Rachel. She had to get her to wake up somehow.

She would have to be stern, cold, direct.

All the things she was good at.

"Do you wanna know how this story plays out?" Quinn asked. Rachel looked up at her. "I get Finn. You get heartbroken. And then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent and- and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop."

Rachel looked hurt. She _wasn't_ getting it.

"You don't belong here, Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way." Quinn was trying so hard to hold back tears at this point, but why? Why was she about to cry? Why is the fact that Rachel _wasn't_ listening to her about to make her cry?

Rachel had an unsettling effect on her. She was the only person able to make Quinn feel too many things at once, which often resulted in tears, because Quinn had never really learned how to _handle_ feelings.

She could control them, yes, she was excellent at manipulating her feelings, but when they would pour over the dam she'd built, she had no idea what to do with them.

The feeling in her stomach, specifically; the one that grew every passing second she was near Rachel, would sometimes make it's way up, and swim around in her head. It made her dizzy. Sometimes it would turn into a voice that felt like it was screaming, until it's throat was dry and sore. Sometimes it would place itself in her heart and refuse to leave for days.

Whatever the feeling was, it was slowly spreading all throughout Quinn's body. No matter how hard she tried to push it down, it kept finding it's way. It was gradually taking control of her.

And there was nothing she could do about it.

"No, no," Rachel shook her head, defiantly. "I'm not giving up on Finn." She said. "It's not over between us-"

"Yes, it IS!" Quinn yelled, and Rachel flinched. The feeling was blinding her now. It felt like her chest was constricting, it felt like her lungs were tightening. "You're so," Quinn slammed her fist down on the piano. "_frustrating!"_ She took a step towards Rachel. "And _that _is why you can't write a good song, because you live in this little, _school girl fantasy_ of life! Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, than you are _never_ going to get it right. So," Quinn softened her tone. She had lost it, damn it all. She had lost her cool. Rachel made her lose her cool. She had to fight it. She had to relax.

"We're done with that," Quinn continued. "and why don't we just return to our work, okay?"

Quinn took a deep, annoyed sigh, and sat back down on the piano bench.

"No." Rachel said, quietly. "I think I'm gonna write this song on my own."

Quinn watched Rachel quickly walk away, lowering her head as she went. She swore she could hear a whimper as the smaller girl stormed out.

Quinn waited until Rachel was out of the auditorium, and out of hearing range before she covered her face with her hands, slouched over, and began crying, frantically, into her palms.

* * *

><p><em><strong>The Second Time Quinn Really Lost Control, but It Turned Out Alright.<strong>_

Quinn saw red. The last thing she remembered was storming into the bathroom, arms shaking, uncontrollably.

She had _lost_. She had lost because of some _sick_ high school joke, and the fact that Finn Hudson loved Rachel Berry.

Finn Hudson, her boyfriend, loved Rachel Berry.

_Rachel Berry._

And that's when it dawned on her; she had just _slapped_ Rachel Berry.

"_Quinn, you need to calm down-"_

"_This is YOUR fault!" _Quinn had yelled._ "Nobody ever would've voted for me 'cause they know he would rather be with you!"_

"_That's not true-"_

And Quinn had lost it. She _slapped _Rachel. She slapped Rachel Berry, and it felt _good_.

The moment between that and now seemed like an eternity for both girls, but they knew it couldn't have been more than a few seconds. Rachel looked shocked, holding her cheek, mouth slightly opened, staring up at Quinn in complete disbelief.

When Quinn came to she realized what she'd done. "I'm so sorry." It came out as a strained whisper.

Rachel blinked, rapidly. Quinn didn't know what to do with herself. She felt bad, yes, but she couldn't deny the satisfaction that came with it. She got to finally hurt Rachel. Rachel couldn't forgive her after this, she couldn't.

It's what she wanted. She slapped Rachel for all the times she evoked that _disgusting_ feeling in the pit of her stomach. She slapped Rachel for all the times she'd been kind to Quinn, when she didn't deserve it. She'd slapped Rachel for all the confusion, the nights she spent thinking about her, the _fear_ that came with just _standing_ beside her.

She slapped Rachel because she was feeling too much at once. She was feeling too much at once, like she _always_ did when it came to her, and she just wanted to make Rachel _feel_ what she was. And the only ways to do that was either slapping her or _kissing_ her and Quinn was certainly _not _going to do the latter.

"There's no way I'm staying at this school." Quinn said. "I'm gonna transfer." She couldn't be here anymore. She didn't want to. She wanted to go somewhere else, start anew. She wanted to start again, a clean slate. She wanted to be anywhere Rachel wouldn't be.

She turned away to look at herself in the mirror. She was crying. Again.

God, she looked terrible, and she felt it, too.

She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry in front of Rachel again, after they had their little heart to heart in the hallway when Finn found out who Beth's father was. Or even after the glee club had sang 'Keep Holding On' to her. And of course, after she almost completely broke down in front of her in the auditorium. She had promised herself to steer clear of Rachel.

She was breaking a lot of promises lately, and who's fault was that, exactly?

"Most girls would be upset about being slapped in the face, but" Rachel said, looking at her reddened cheek in her reflection. "I happen to appreciate the drama of it."

Quinn couldn't take it, she couldn't stand her, why did Rachel have to… why? She couldn't understand.

She didn't want to look at her. Quite honestly, she didn't even want to look at herself, so she turned, and leaned against the sink.

She felt it in her stomach again, but it was making it's way slowly, up to her throat and, "I know you think it's hard to be you, Rachel." Quinn was talking, and she didn't know why or how. "At least you don't have to be terrified all the time."

It was that damn voice. It has escaped somehow.

"… what are you so scared of?" Rachel offered her a wet napkin. Quinn looked at her for a moment before she slowly accepted it.

"The future," Quinn continued. She was letting the voice be. For now. She inhaled, deeply. "When all this is gone…" She pressed the napkin under her eye. She was going to start crying again, she knew it.

"You have _nothing_ to be scared of," Rachel said, softly. "You're a… very pretty girl, Quinn," Quinn looked at her, then. "Prettiest girl I've ever met, but…" Quinn looked away because she couldn't, she just couldn't anymore. She wanted to leave and never come back and never see anyone from here again. Especially Rachel.

Quinn couldn't do that, though. As much as she hated being around Rachel, she didn't know what would happen if she couldn't be around her anymore. She didn't want to think about that. Hell, she couldn't deny at this point that Rachel had become an important part of her life. The girl was always accepting, rarely judged her, extremely kind; Quinn was lucky to have Rachel around. She knew that.

She looked back to her, and Rachel's expression was kind; warm, even.

"You're a lot more than that." Rachel said, so softly, it almost broke Quinn's heart.

_Goddamn (Father, forgive me) Rachel Berry and her constant being nice and supportive and- I don't deserve this, or her. _

She tried to stop the tears from flowing again, but couldn't.

"Here," Rachel whispered, and Quinn sniffled. "Can I help?"

Quinn nodded, because honestly, it was all she ever wanted. She wanted someone to _help_, but most of all, she wanted Rachel to help her, because deep down, Quinn knew she was the only one who could.

As much as she hated to admit that, it was the truth.

She let the voice win. She let the feeling warmth over her, if only for a moment.

Quinn allowed Rachel to dab under her eyes, gently, as she took another breath.

"We should go back out there." Rachel said. "There's still time. The rest of the night doesn't have to be as, well, _dramatic_ as it's been. We should… support Kurt. He needs us. What do you say?"

"I… I just slapped you, Rachel."

She smiled. "True." She nodded. "But now I have an excellent story to tell my grandchildren when they ask me about my prom experience. Of course, it would be better if the story had a happy ending- for example, if the person who slapped me came back out with me and we enjoyed the rest of the evening together. I could sneak in a moral lecture, as well. You'd be teaching my grandchildren a very important life lesson."

"And what would that be?"

"Well, I believe it was the great Abraham Lincoln who once said, '_I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends_.'" Rachel smiled, warmly. "Come on."

* * *

><p>"You look really nice tonight."<p>

It was way past midnight, and only a few people lounged around the entrance of McKinley High. Most of them took their seat at the steps, because _everyone_ was burnt out from dancing.

It had been an exhausting night, both physically and mentally. As the two girls sat on the sidewalk, listening to everyone else's idle chatter, and the swooshing of passing cars, it was a silent agreement that tonight had certainly been eventful in both the worst and best of ways.

And that they were both better because of it.

Rachel practically beamed. "Y-you think?"

"Well, I just said so, didn't I?" Quinn muttered, looking away.

"Thank- thank you, Quinn. I- I really- I mean, it means a lot- c-coming from _you._"

"No, look- just- no matter what happens, I want you to know that I'm- I-" She took a breath. She couldn't believe she was stuttering because she was nervous. And she _really_ couldn't believe she was nervous because of Rachel friggin' Berry.

She was Quinn Fabray! She never stuttered. Ever.

_Pull yourself together. _

"Just…thank you."

"You're welcome. You're absolutely welcome." Rachel nodded. "Um, but if you don't mind me asking… what for, exactly?"

"For being you, I guess. I've done a lot of terrible things- to you, specifically, but you forgave me, and I guess- just thanks."

"I could never hate you, Quinn."

"Yeah… yeah, so you keep saying."

"Quinnie! Quinnie, dear!" Judy yelled from her car. She crawled out of the front seat, frantically, but the strap of her purse got stuck when she slammed the car door shut. She ignored it, left the purse hanging, and rushed to her daughter. "Where is that boy? I'll kill him myself."

Quinn called her mother after her and Berry's little bathroom moment. She needed a ride home now that Finn was too upset to even wait for her. He shot her a text saying that he decided to go home and play violent video games to take the edge off. She didn't care much at this point. She just didn't want to walk all the way home in her dress and shoes.

"Mom, it's okay." Quinn stood up. She was about to die of embarrassment. "I… had fun, anyway."

Quinn didn't mean to, but she looked at Rachel when she said it, who was still sat out on the curb, which prompted Judy to do the same.

"Ah, Rachel. You look lovely." Judy said, offering her hand so Rachel could stand.

She accepted. "Thank you very much, Ms. Fabray."

"Oh, come now, I've told you that you can call me Judy."

Judy had been playing the 'I'm a cool mom' act ever since she brought Quinn back home from the hospital that day. It was clear that her mother felt extremely guilty for letting it get as far as Quinn being kicked out of her own home, when she was _with child,_ but Quinn hadn't come around just yet. Judy tried time and time again to spend time with her youngest daughter, but Quinn did almost everything in her power to come home as late as possible and have plans on the weekend.

She wasn't ready to forgive or forget.

And Judy understood that. She gave her little girl her space, no matter how much it hurt to know that her own daughter couldn't trust her yet.

So she was patient, and she was kind. She was re-learning how to be a mother all over again.

Rachel glanced at Quinn. "Er, okay, I'll remember that."

Judy turned back to Quinn, placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Who does he think he is? This was your night, and he ruined it."

"It's okay, seriously, it's fine. It could have gone worse."

"Are you sure you're okay? I know you've always dreamed of being prom queen, honey, ever since you were a little girl and-"

"I'm fine, mom. It's not that big of a deal. Really." Quinn smiled, reassuringly. "I'd just really like to go home now. I'm really tired."

"There was a lot of dancing tonight." Rachel smiled.

Judy nodded, happily. She was glad Quinn had fun, regardless of the fact that her date practically ruined everything. If she ever saw that Finn boy again, she'd give him a proper talking to. "Of course, we'll head home, right away." She said. "Rachel, do you need a ride? Quinn told me about Jesse as well."

"No, thank you, er, _Judy_." Rachel said. "My daddy should be here any minute now."

"Goodnight, Rachel." Quinn said, with a nod and a soft smile, and headed to the car without another glance.

"Oh, um, yes. G-goodnight, Quinn." Rachel called after her with a slight wave.

Judy smiled at the smaller girl, and turned around to follow suit.

"Rachel?" Judy turned to face her again.

"Um, yes?"

"Thank you." Judy said, sincerely. "Quinnie needs someone like you right now."

"Someone l-like _me_?"

Judy simply nodded, and walked away.


	4. The Beginning

"_I love her _

_and that's the beginning_

_and end _

_of everything." _– F. Scott Fitzgerald

* * *

><p>It was three weeks before school was back in session.<p>

That's when it happened.

It was one o' clock in the morning, when Judy Fabray happened upon her little Quinnie crying, quietly.

She had gotten up for a glass of water, and to give her daughter a goodnight kiss. She had done it every night since Quinn was a baby. Once Russell kicked Quinn out of the house, Judy knew what a mistake she had made by not standing up for her little girl when she went into her room for a kiss only to find the bed empty.

Judy cried that night, harder than the night she found out her daughter was pregnant, and harder then when she found out Russell was cheating.

It was then she promised herself that she would never abandon her baby girl again. She would support her, no matter what.

Judy knew something was off from the moment she woke up that morning. Quinn stood, for the most part, locked up inside her room, watching T.V. She only responded in one or two words, whenever Judy would peep in to ask her something. Quinn had only come downstairs to eat dinner, and even then she asked if she could bring it back upstairs to eat alone.

Judy thought maybe Quinn was on her computer, talking to friends, or on her phone, but her laptop was left charging in the living room, and her phone had stayed on the kitchen counter all throughout the day.

And of course, Judy had tried. She asked if she wanted to watch a movie, or if she wanted to call Santana to go out to the mall, or if she wanted money to go to the mall herself. The answer was always no.

It was only once Quinn actively sought her mother out. It was nearing nine o'clock, and Quinn quietly made her way into the kitchen, where Judy was washing the dishes.

"Yes, honey?"

Quinn shook her head, slightly, indicating it was really nothing important.

Judy turned off the running water to give her daughter her full attention. She had been reading a lot of parenting help books, and almost every one of them said that children often feel neglected if they're trying to get their point across while the parent is engaging in anything other than them.

"I…" Quinn was nervously twiddling her fingers. She took a deep breath, and shook her head again.

"Is everything alright?" Judy said. "You know you can trust me."

"Yeah." Quinn nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"Is it school? Are you worried about going back? You can transfer, if you'd like."

"No, no, it's…" Quinn trailed off.

"Is… it your friends? Are they ignoring you?"

"No, mom- just- I," Quinn sighed. "It's nothing."

"Is it that, er, _man_ you're seeing?"

No, Judy didn't approve of that man Quinn had taken a liking to (for some ungodly reason), but Judy had already decided she was going to be supportive. And if Quinn was going to date a forty-something year old-works-in-a-record-store-skateboarder and _possible_ drug dealer, Judy would let her. As long as he made her happy, and didn't disrespect her in any way, shape or form, or change her in any way, shape or form, or come over to the house at _all_, or drop her off after her curfew, or try to borrow money from her, or made her deal drugs for him; Judy would let her.

"I'm not really seeing him?" Quinn said, still confused as to why her mother was okay with that. If Quinn was going to be honest, she only did it to see if she could get away with it, because her mother had been extremely lenient lately. She thought for sure Judy would stop her. She didn't.

Mission accomplished, Quinn thought. "And no, no, it's not him."

"Quinnie…" Judy said, stepping toward her. "You can tell me anything."

Quinn shook her head, again. "I, um, I…"

Judy nodded for her to continue.

Quinn laughed, nervously. "No, I just... want to dye my hair. Would that be alright?"

Judy nodded, but was skeptical. "Of course, sweetie. What color? Back to brown? Highlights, or…?"

"Maybe highlights... maybe the whole thing… and no. I haven't decided on the color."

"I could make an appointment-"

"No, I'll- I'll do it myself."

"Sure." Judy said. "Are you… are you sure that's all?"

Quinn looked down at her feet. "Y-yeah. That's all. I'm going to bed."

"But it's," Judy glanced at the clock. "Only nine. Don't you watch that T.V show? 'Ice Loves Coco', or something?"

"I'm… tired. Not tonight. I'll record it. Goodnight, mom."

"Okay. Goodnight, dear. Sleep with the angels."

It took a lot to make Quinn cry, Judy knew that from experience. Her little girl was strong, and extremely guarded when it came to her emotions. In a way, it ran in the family. The Fabrays never did know how to handle their feelings.

But the way Quinn had been acting all day had been leading up to something like this. She expected Quinn to break down, but she hadn't expected to _see_ her break down. It didn't look as if Quinn tried to hide it, at all. Her door was wide open, and she was sobbing heavily into her pillow.

Judy wrapped her arms around Quinn, pushing strands of hair off of her tear stained cheeks, and placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.

"I'm so sorry." Quinn barely said, hugging tighter, and sinking into her mother's shoulders. "I'm so sorry."

Judy almost broke down at how _small_ Quinn sounded.

"It's alright. It's going to be alright, dear."

"No, no, it's not. I'm so sorry." Quinn took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm in love with her, mom."

Judy froze.

"I'm in love with her and I don't know what to do."

Mothers have a scary ability to know more about their children than they know themselves. As the saying goes, "_Y__ou can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool Mom._" Judy knew exactly who Quinn was talking about, because _she_ was _all_ Quinn talked about.

At first, she was only mentioned in the company of Brittany and Santana, and usually, it was just a spew of insults. Then, she would only be mentioned whenever Finn was. That was just the first year.

But the insults soon disappeared, and so did any mention of Finn. Quinn took every opportunity she had to bring up the girl, compliment her, talk about what they had in common.

Judy wouldn't have found it odd, normally, but the two girls weren't even friends. Quinn had made that much clear.

"_Maybe you should invite her over sometime."_ Judy would suggest. After all, she had the right to meet someone who was having that much of an effect on her daughter.

"_We're really not friends, mom." _Quinn would say, and leave it at that.

And then Judy finally met _the_ Rachel Berry. She had seen her fathers sometime shopping at the supermarket, and gave a polite nod. They seemed… fairly normal. Russell would always speak ill of them and their lifestyle, but the few conversations she had with the Berry men were always pleasant.

One day, the tiny brunette came over to the Fabray household. For what, Judy didn't know. Quinn had told her Rachel was just bringing something she had forgotten at school.

Judy opened the door and was greeted with a bright smile, and a very, _very_ talkative, tiny girl. Quinn rushed down the stairs once she heard the doorbell.

Judy watched Quinn take a few steps toward them, before stopping. She seemed stuck.

"Um, let me take your coat, Rachel." Judy said, uncomfortable with the silence. Rachel had nodded, frantically, and allowed her to do just that.

The two girls never broke eye contact, until very quietly Quinn said, "Let's go upstairs- to my room."

Rachel was only there for a little over half an hour, but Judy knew.

The way her daughter looked at Rachel wasn't at all how she looked at _anyone _else.

Judy knew.

But it didn't stop her from wanting to ask why- or _how_. How could Quinn know she was in love? And with a _girl_, no less. Judy couldn't understand. She had been with Puck and Finn and Sam- all boys. She never once seemed attracted to girls. Judy read somewhere that the attraction starts sometime as early as six or seven, or at least, that's when they start noticing. Judy couldn't remember Quinn ever seeming like she liked girls.

Quinn had only been close to two people, before 'glee club' happened; Brittany and Santana, and Judy was more than sure there was _something _going on with those two.

But her own _daughter?_

Judy couldn't understand, but she wanted to. God, she wanted to.

Maybe this was why her daughter was always so distant. Maybe this was why she always seemed so sad. Maybe all she needed to do was accept herself.

Judy wanted nothing more than to help.

"It's okay." She said, quietly. "It'll be okay."

"No, it's not. I- I've- it's a sin, and- I've disappointed you, and I tried so hard- mom, I'm _so_ sorry, I tried so hard to pretend that I don't- I tried so hard to ignore it, but I can't anymore and it hurts. It hurts so much." Quinn pulled away from her. "I get this feeling, whenever I'm around her... and I didn't know what it was at first. I thought I just hated her, you know, because she stole Finn from me, but- but I never really cared about that. I never cared that Finn loved her but- but- but I realized that I _cared_ that Rachel loved _him_. I didn't like the idea of anyone dating her. I... I'm jealous. And for the longest time, I told myself I was jealous of her but I know now that it's not. It's not. I'm jealous of Finn, not... her."

Judy just watched her. She was ready to hear it all.

"I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't do this. I can't... love her. I can't. I'm so stupid..." Quinn slumped over.

"You're not, Quinn. It's _okay_." Judy said again, because she didn't know what else to. She knew it wasn't okay. Forget God, forget her beliefs, forget her morals; that's not what she was worried about. It was her job to _protect_ her daughter. It was her job to keep her safe, but she couldn't. She couldn't now. She couldn't protect her when she was thrown out of the house, and she couldn't protect her now.

And she felt so helpless because of it.

"Quinnie," Judy helped her daughter sit up. "Quinnie, look at me. It's okay. I'm not disappointed in you."

Quinn looked confused.

"You love her?"

Quinn nodded.

"With all your heart?"

Quinn shut her eyes, in an attempt to stop herself from crying even harder. She nodded, frantically.

"Then that's all that matters." Judy said, and pulled her daughter into a hug.

"She doesn't love me." Quinn sobbed. "She'll never love me."

"It's okay. We'll make it work, I promise. We'll make it work somehow. It will be okay."

And it was the first time in thirteen years that Judy Fabray held her daughter in her arms while her little girl fell asleep.


	5. Summer's Over, Start Again

Quinn had read 'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand that summer. Cooped up in her room for the first half of it, reading was all she did. As senior year approached, she didn't know if she'd be able to finish the book, but she just couldn't put it down. When she became more… active, so to speak, she read it anywhere she could; in between going to parties with the skanks, sneaking into bars, and skating with the boys. Of the seven-hundred pages, only one part stuck: _"To say 'I love you' one must first know how to say the 'I.' The meaning of the 'I' is an independent, self-sufficient entity that does not exist for the sake of any other person. A person who exists only for the sake of his loved one is not an independent entity, but a spiritual parasite. The love of a parasite is worth nothing."_

And so it was that Quinn had set out to find herself.

The clothes were just the first part; she stuffed her sundresses in the back of her closet, along with any bright colored t-shirts. She borrowed stuff from the skanks, stuff from the boys, bought old, torn clothes from garage sales, and that little thrift store at the mall. She had never been allowed to experiment. For the most part, it was expected of her to be... well, perfect.

Since her mother was a bit more _open_ nowadays, she figured she could let loose. Go a little crazy. After all, she _was_ a teenager, for goodness sake.

And so far, it had been fun.

It was the day before the first day of senior year, and it was _ridiculously _hot. Quinn was sure she'd be skipping tomorrow if it was going to stay this hot out. She wouldn't be able to survive the day. She knew it.

She was wearing a short sleeved, gray shirt, but she rolled up the sleeves, as well as rolled up the hem of the shirt, right above her navel. She needed air everywhere. Her clothes were sticking to her, and she just felt gross. She just couldn't deal with the heat. Sure, she was a fan of summer, but this was just ridiculous. It was a hundred and something degrees when she left her house this morning, and it only felt like it was rising.

Today was one of those days she wished it was socially acceptable to just be naked everywhere. She'd be down with that.

She had her round, pink sunglasses on, but still had to squint through them whenever she watched one of the skaters jump off the top of the library steps. The sun was really beaming down on them.

She saw one of the boys land a kickflip on flat ground, and nod proudly to himself. He snapped the skateboard up, and handed it to another guy who was just sitting around. He took out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket.

"Can I bum one?" Quinn asked.

He just nodded and threw her the pack, before walking off, unlit cigarette in his mouth.

She had started smoking a while ago. It didn't seem like a big deal, but it seemed to be where her mother drew the line.

That didn't stop Quinn from continuing, though.

Her 'boyfriend', or at least, that's what everyone was calling him now, often invited her to watch him and his friends skateboard around town. Sometimes the security guard from the library would take a break to get something to eat, and they would take the opportunity to skate there.

Until he would come back, of course, nightstick waving furiously in the air, chasing them down alleyways.

There weren't very many alleyways in Lima, Quinn soon concluded.

Quinn dug out her lighter (yes, she now regularly carried around a lighter) and lit her cigarette. She took a couple of puffs before realizing she hated this brand, and stomped it out on the ground. It was enough to take the edge off, a bit, so she wasn't entirely complaining.

"Excuse you!" Quinn heard a familiar bossy voice, and turned toward the library steps to see what the commotion was.

"Watch it!"

"_Watch it_?" Rachel repeated, unbelieving.

Her purse was on the floor, and all of it's contents were strewn out on the steps. Rachel was wearing a very short, white sundress, and white sandals.

"Yeah- wouldn't have bumped into you if you weren't in the way."

"In the way? The _nerve_!" She exclaimed. "Oh yes, God _forbid_, I want to go to the library to take out a _book_! What was I thinking? Sorry for getting in_ your way_, when obviously you were using the library for it's _true_ purpose."

Quinn smirked at Rachel's sudden short-temperedness. Maybe the heat was getting to her, too.

"You listen to me," Rachel continued, placing a finger on the boy's chest. "I don't have a problem with you and your hooligan friends ruining the steps of this public library- the _only_ public library we _have_ in Lima, I might add- with your one-eighty tricks and your ollies or whatever they're called, but don't try to blame _me_ when it was you who had _all-_" She waved her hands frantically toward the other side of the rail. "_that_ space and you still decided to come down the side I was walking on."

The boy was wide-eyed. He backed away. "Okay, geez, calm down."

"Calm down? Do you know how hot it is today? It is one-hundred and three degrees! One-_hundred _and _three_ degrees, and I walked all the way from my house to here to get a book for my boyfriend that he's probably not even going to read! Don't you tell me to calm down!"

Rachel eyed the boy up and down, before taking a deep breath, and calmly moving the bangs out of her eyes.

"Now," She said. "Apologize."

"Okay. I'm sorry." He said, quickly.

"I forgive you. Just… be more careful next time." She said, softly. "What if I didn't hear you? I could have been listening to my iPod, and we both would've ended up with something broken… not to mention you could have hit my nose."

"It would have been hard to miss it…" The boy said, almost to himself.

"Excuse you?"

"Um, nothing. I'm sorry. Don't yell at me again. Please."

Rachel shook her head. "Just be careful."

"I will." He nodded, and bolted down, in the opposite direction.

Quinn stuck her hands in her pockets, as she ascended the stairs. The familiar feeling in her stomach grew, the closer she got. It wasn't as bad as it had been before, though. Quinn had gotten better at controlling it.

"Hey, Berry." She said, when she was a few steps away.

Rachel was bent down, gathering her things from the floor, when she dropped whatever it is she was holding, immediately upon seeing Quinn, and shot up. Rachel's mouth was wide open for a good minute before she spoke.

"W-wow, Quinn, I- you…" Rachel's eyes darted, rapidly, inspecting Quinn.

Quinn leaned on the rail, amused at Rachel's reaction. "How was your summer?" Quinn's voice was noticeably deeper, and she didn't know if it was because of the cigarettes or… something else.

"G-good." Rachel nodded. "Y-yes, good. Yours?"

"Uneventful." Quinn shrugged.

"You… wow, Quinn, I mean you look, um," Rachel swallowed hard. "Different."

Quinn nodded. "Doing a bit of soul-searching."

"I can see that." Rachel paused. "Well, I… I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."

Rachel resumed picking up her things. Quinn pushed herself off the rail to help. Rachel glanced at her, quickly.

"So…you're getting a book for Finn?" Quinn handed her what looked like some kind of sheet music. It amazed her that Berry never went anywhere without some form of sheet music; like she was prepared to perform at every possible opportunity at any venue.

"Ah, yes. You heard?" Rachel said, reaching for her chapstick. "Yeah, I think he should really brush up on the classics… and I thought he'd really like 'Le Petit Prince'."

"That's… a children's book."

"Yes, but it's a really _good _children's book."

Quinn nodded. "Yeah, I guess. It's one of my favorites."

"Is it?" Rachel looked at her. "Mine too…" She said, quietly. She picked up the pace on gathering her things. "I also wanted to get a new book for me, you know. I haven't read anything in a couple of weeks. I figure I could get a book and it'll give me something to do when we don't have class… I just don't know what, though."

They had gotten everything, and Rachel slowly rose to her feet again, Quinn following soon after.

"Could I… recommend something?" Quinn asked.

Rachel nodded, slowly.

"'The Fountainhead' by Ayn Rand." Quinn said. "It'll… it'll make you understand something I've been…" _'Something I've been trying to tell you._' Say it, just say it. Quinn shook her head. "It'll make you understand something you need to know."

"Okay. I'll be sure to get it, then."

Quinn nodded, curtly. "I'll see you around."

Quinn turned to leave.

"At glee club tomorrow? First thing?" Rachel asked.

Quinn stopped. "I don't think so."

"Oh." Rachel said. "Are… are you sure?"

Quinn simply nodded, and jogged down the steps.


End file.
